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VTMAS No. 73: OMG! He’s Naked!

By now, you’ve probably realized that my husband is indeed a one-of-a-kind sort of guy. He’s been awesome, encouraging me to shoot for the stars, and despite the rough spots life has dealt to us on occasion, we’ve pulled together and overcome amazingly hard moments.

To say our relationship holds an awkward humor between us, would be putting it lightly. The two of us can make a whole audience cry in laughter… and well, after reading VTMAS No.38: Gas On A Plane at an Open Mic with him in the audience to back me up, we did indeed make people cry in laughter.

For those first three months or so from the point that we met, Justin never went home. No, really, he got too drunk to go home so he crashed on my couch and returned the following day at dinner time and again crashed on my couch, repeat and rinse.

At first, I realized I had called and invited him to come over or asked if he was coming over. My fears griped me at about month two as thoughts rushed me: Was I being too clingy? Too needy or demanding? Oh no… I might be looking desperate… I’ve called him every day since we met… poor guy. Maybe he feels bad for me? Oh God, I’m a charity case! NO! Ok, ok… Valerie you need to get your head together…

Naturally , I came home from work, looked at my cell phone and sighed. Today I would not be calling him. Nope, no needy clingy Valerie mode. Granted, I have no idea how Justin saw the habitual phone call that had unfolded every day for almost eight weeks. Neither of us had introduced one another or announced to friends that we were “dating” or “Boyfriend & Girlfriend” status. Nothing but a kiss or two had unfolded. In fact, we had mostly talked, ate dinner together, gone out and about to Junk yard diving to mudding or fishing, or playing video games. No fancy dinners, no holding hands and looking dreamily in some obscure place or park. We were hanging out like best buddies.

A few hours had passed by, I sighed a lonesome huff having not heard from him still as I pulled myself off the couch. It was almost Dinner time, so I decided to start cooking. I had just mixed all the components together, stirring it, looking sad and down into the swirl of tomato sauce soaked noodles when my kitchen/back door opened.

“Hey, honey.” Justin waltzed in, leaned over my shoulder with wide-eyes. “Oh! Spaghetti again!”

“Y-yea.” I blinked, not sure what was happening as he kissed my cheek and marched to the bathroom.

Looking down at my noodles I pondered, He didn’t even call or text me… but here he is right on time. What does that mean? Did I miss something? Are we officially a thing? Is he ever going back HOME?!

As the evening rolled on, filled with dinner, video games, and the usual chatting, it came time for bed. At this point, I was now feeling guilty that he had been snoozing on the broken crap pile I called a couch. My bed, which was two full sized beds side-by-side, was large enough for four grown men to sleep on… so I felt the need to cave on this point some.

“I feel bad about you sleeping on the couch…” I am sure my face was red, my brow folded over ten times with my insecurity on the matter. “But, I suppose my bed is wide enough that you can sleep on the one side. And no, this is not an offer for having sex. Nothing is going to happen, got it.”

With uncanny speed he was on his feet and the game and the television turned off. “Oh, nothing will happen.”

It was that sparkle in his eyes which made me flinch, “Nothing. I’ve got work at four in the morning.”

He threw up his hands, a smile on his face, brow raised high. “Yes ma’am.”

I was in a baggy t-shirt and men’s board shorts as I slid under the covers on my side, er my full size bed. The room was dark, too dark to see where he stood, but I felt as if my face was glowing. Closing my eyes I was kicking myself, What were you thinking, Valerie…

He came in the room, closing the bedroom door and locking it. Peeking one eye open, I couldn’t see anything as I heard his footsteps approach the foot of the bed. The familiar clomping sound of boots being kicked off. Sighing, I closed my eyes.


My eyes opened again at the sound of jeans and belt hitting the floor, He took off his pants….

I tensed feeling the mattress sink under his weight. He gripped edge of my covers, by-passing the ones I left for him. Swallowing, I no longer felt sleepy as fear gripped me. His arms wrapped around me, and with great force, slid me right up against him, spooning me. He wiggled some, making sure not one centimeter of space was left between our bodies.

OH MY GOD! HE’S NAKED! There’s a naked man spooning me and is that… oh my god…

My eyes were wide, my face hot enough to fry eggs on, my heart racing as he nuzzled my neck kissing it.

“I said nothing will happen.” I flustered, unsure how to handle the situation that was unfolding.

“I know.” I could feel the smile on his face and even the sparkle in his eyes.

“Th-then why are you NAKED?” Swallowing, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear this answer.

“Well…” He started, fighting the urge to giggle. “I always sleep naked.”

I puffed out my cheeks, “Bullshit. You’ve been sleeping on the couch for weeks… dressed. So my answer is no.”

Scoffing, he fussed, “Can we at least snuggle?” He hugged me tighter to ensure I couldn’t escape.

“Fine…” I was kicking myself for caving.

I spent that night, and several nights after, slapping his wandering hands. It took a month after that before Justin defeated me and I allowed him to win me over.

Relationships are so complicated, lol!

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