VTMAS No.75: Drive Thru Stalker

We all know I attract weirdos of all flavors. This one incident takes us back to my Senior year in high school in the days where I drove around town in my big blue Yukon. My vehicle became an instant icon and a one-of-a-kind truck in my hometown. If you saw a Blue Yukon, you just saw Valerie drive by. It was easy for anyone to know where I was going or had been for the day because of this. Note, this detail will come into play… At this particular time, there was a boy who had

VTMAS No.58: I Was Bad, Once

You see that blue gorgeous hunk of SUV. That was the love of my life in high school. I had somehow worked it out with my divorcing parents to sell me the truck. That’s right, I had the title on that 4×4 beauty and I could go anywhere without the fear of getting stuck. In FFA, it came in handy, loading up fellow members, both in my grade and below, along with supplies in the back and traveling to fairs or FFA competitions. Ah, those were the days. Oh, but this post is a confes

VTMAS No.52: Office Girls in a Mud Truck

If you haven’t noticed, I am quite the Jill-of-Trades and have a mixed bag for a resume. One of the jobs a held was in a office, managing accounts, where I was required to doll up. Button-up blouses, medium to long skirts, and modest makeup was a must. You can imagine that I looked forward to my lunch breaks and after a while my co-worker Alisha and I developed a routine. Wednesday was Chili-dog day at 7-11, and Monday I think was Kappy’s the local cheesesteak joint, and ever

VTMAS No.45: Drive Around Midnight

If you knew me in high school, you knew I did  everything I could to NOT go home. This even meant driving around at random, as pathetic as it may sound. Regardless, it made for some fun adventures in the long run. On this particular night I had my hot Asian friend John along for the ride. I believe it may have been October at the time, we were either in 11th or 12th grade, but he wanted me to take him to some scary places. At first I think he wanted to visit a cemetery but I

VTMAS No.43: Don’t You Dare Cleanup

Mudding. Either you know what I just said or wondering why this word should be significant. Growing up it was the family outing to go to the Mud Hole and later in my life it was our dating, fiancee and married couple thing to do. What is Mudding? It is often a “sport” involving vehicle, mainly trucks, driven through mud holes or muddy swampy bits, in an attempt to not get stuck and get super messy. Strangely enough, it can be very fun and exhilarating and for the cost of a ta

VTMAS No.36: The Day The Grass Parted

My uncle Ymmit and I were asked to investigate what happened to the cats at my Great Grandmother’s home. She had been a safehouse for captured ferals who the humane society spayed or neutered and brought to her property to live. We had gotten a call asking where the cats had gone, and well, none of us had really stopped to consider what to do with them after she was submitted into the Nursing Home with dementia. It wasn’t like they weren’t being fed. The no-kill arrangement w

VTMAS No.35: He Called Our Bluff

Picture taken by Levi at the time, after stealing Mommy’s phone… There comes a time when your toddler starts to leave behind the days of being gullible and begins to call a parent’s bluff. My husband and I found ourselves in such a position with our 4 year old a while back. We had been trying to motivate him to clean his room. Positive reinforcement – Failed; Sitting in the room and bossing him into it, keeping him focused – Failed; Punishing him – Failed; Time limits and a w

A Short-lived Treasure Hunt

Short Story, Humor The cell phone was ringing again. Florida summer heat brought in a wave of friends and family calling for favors, but this time it was Alvin. With a sigh, Jay answered, “Hey Al!” “Man, I hate to ask…” Alvin’s tone of voice was equal to a grimace on a face. “It’s my Air Conditioner…” Rubbing his forehead, Jay retorted, “Lightning didn’t hit it again, did it?” There was silence on the other end. The heat of Alvin’s frustrations coming through with no words ne

VTMAS No.33: Husband Got Wasted!

Everyone has drunk stories about a time they got wasted and had to piece together what happened via what your friends tell you. Granted, I rarely drink and even then it’s a one mixed drink and I’m good ordeal. It is this fact that makes me the ultimate Designated Driver for my husband, friends and family. One of the best moments with my now husband, was back in the days where we were just dating and had moved in together. “Hello?” It wasn’t a number I recognized as I answered

VTMAS No.27: You Know, That Song

One of the most precious memories my husband and I have of our first niece was the time we were taking her to Grandma’s house. She was about 4 at the time, and this was before we had kids ourselves. Most of the time at this age she was relatively quiet, very neat and clean in behavior. Suddenly she started conversation with us, “I like that place. You know, that place, with that song?” It was as vague as a question could possibly be as my husband and I glanced to one another.

VTMAS No.21: The Clown Car

Traffic. Ugh, we’ve all dreaded driving to that one part of town because there is no avoided that stop and go, bumper-to-bumper traffic jams. On this particular day I was trying to get to my work to pick up something I had forgot. Unfortunately, it was in the heart of tourist-ville in Orlando, Florida and well, it was 5:00 PM ~ The PEAK of Traffic Hell. By the third round of the full cycle from the light still twenty cars ahead of me, I started people watching those in cars a

VTMAS No.18: Book Store Stalker

Borders and the cattle yard were my two favorite places to go. I stayed away from home where so much conflict was common. Like I was expressing before, it wasn’t uncommon to find me sitting at Borders and it was awesome martin and April were known to show. Occasionally, I would find myself alone… I had pulled up in my famous 1992 Blue Yukon, and had entered the Border’s cafe area and began drawing. Sadly, no one I knew was there, even after perusing through the aisleways hopi

VTMAS No.17: Dump Truck Full of Fish

If anyone here knows me very well, they could confirm I have a love for fishing. Living in Florida is awesome since I have access to several realms of fishing from Freshwater, Brackish (Mixed), and Saltwater fishing. As a young girl, I mainly did the freshwater fishing with the occasional deep sea trip. Nowadays, my husband and I indulge in brackish fishing where Salt meets Fresh. Anyhow, many awkward and weird things can go down and so I have MANY fishing stories. This one i

VTMAS No.15: The Potty Dilemma

Men all know the envious and jealous stares they get for the ease in which they can pee anywhere. Here is my comical story of trying to find some place to relieve myself. We were on the long drive to Gainesville, Florida, about three hours before we would get to my Dad’s house. The Okahumpka (Yes, this is a town in Florida) rest stop had came and went and we had hit the desolate part of Florida’s Turnpike. If you’ve driven on this expressway, you know it has many desolate spa

VTMAS No.13: Meet Charmander the Cat

I had an amazing cat named Charmander. No really, he was freaking awesome and more importantly a clever, asshole at best. My Husband thought I was talking up the cat but I insisted this wasn’t ‘just ANY cat’. If anyone has had the pleasure of owning a Maine Coon, or mixed version, it becomes very clear that this is more like a  Dog with the pro’s of a cat. The eyebrow muscles on their faces give them expression and they are very rich in terms of Personality. We had gotten my

VTMAS No.11: Sailor Jupiter Took My Keys

KEYS. Let’s talk about those things we need for our front doors and to drive our cars: keys! I am well-known for misplacing my keys in weird places, and thus if you have ever seen my keys you know why they look so obnoxious. I have a huge orange cattle tag, a Gearbox lanyard, and all sorts of flashy items on them in hopes they are easier to find. Despite my anti-lost-keys system, it has backfired on me once. In high school, as I have mentioned in other stories, I was very act

VTMAS No.4: Surprise Autopsy

**WARNING: This story may not be for the squeamish or sensitive** One of my favorite things about the veterinary office today was that it was closed.  I was having a frustrating day and the idea of working alone walking and caring for the dogs, cats, and any exotic animals was a nice moment. Taking advantage of the fact I was flying solo at the office, I made the decision to not where my scrubs. Instead, I was in boy’s khaki shorts, a white tank top with a Hawaiian shirt over

VTMAS No. 1: Good Morning SWAT Team

NOTE: I had only been living there for 2 months… if that: I had stayed up far too late, so I was half asleep as I rolled out of bed at 5:45 am. All I could echo in my head was, “Val, don’t forget to grab your purse out of Sean’s truck and put it in the car.”.  Apparently I was moving in slow motion or something because as I sat there copying files to my Portable Drive I realized it was close to 6:30 pm. I opened the passenger side of the car, readying myself to grab my purse