Men all know the envious and jealous stares they get for the ease in which they can pee anywhere. Here is my comical story of trying to find some place to relieve myself.
We were on the long drive to Gainesville, Florida, about three hours before we would get to my Dad’s house. The Okahumpka (Yes, this is a town in Florida) rest stop had came and went and we had hit the desolate part of Florida’s Turnpike. If you’ve driven on this expressway, you know it has many desolate spans that seems to go on forever.
It was dark, we had gotten a late start and my husband was drifting off in the passenger seat as I drove. Suddenly I felt it. That infamous “You’re gonna need to pee some time soon” sensation. Huffing I thought, figures I would have to go after passing the last stop for a while. I’ll just hold it. I couldn’t tell you how much time had passed, but it felt like hours. Now I was doing the sit down version of the peepee dance or wiggle. In fact, this soon turned to an awkward bounce, because strangely that was somehow helping my near bursting bladder. The husband was staring at me, his brow furrowing as he watched this strange performance with a smirk.
He knew what was wrong, “Gotta pee now that we passed the rest stop, huh?”
“YES!” I breathed as he started chuckling.
My eyes felt like they were floating and I was angry that I could not cross my legs due to the fact I needed to be able to push the gas and brake pedals. My thoughts were frantic and I watched for signs of a exit with something that may have a bathroom. Finally I was in tears, I had to stop NOW or I was going to pee my pants.
An exit came into view and I took it. I didn’t-or couldn’t-waste time to look at signs. I pulled off the ramp and much to my horror we were dumped off a country road with no street lights and no signs of buildings (Or even houses) for MILES. I had driven one way and turned back to check the other way.
At my wit’s end, I violently pulled the little pick up over. The husband was still laughing. Desperate I searched the vehicle for something I could use. Napkins from our fast food stop was my only hope. I got out and looked down the dark road. No headlights to be seen and we hadn’t seen another car since we pulled over.
“Babe.” He caught my attention. “Why don’t you come on this side, away from the road. Put yourself between the truck and fence here. If you want I’ll open my door and you can sit here and help yourself balance.”
“Yea! Good idea!” I think I ran around the truck like I was on fire. “Oh my God! Oh my God! I am gonna pee my pants!”
Pants to my ankle, I had my ass cheeks on the edge of the truck floor and let it go (As Elsa from Frozen would say). I still to this day remember the overwhelming moment of relief I felt. Never had I taken so much pleasure in peeing in the open.
“Babe, there’s a car coming.” Whispering he tapped my shoulder. “You might want to stop.”
“STOP?!” I exclaimed. “Girls can’t just stop! I know I can’t! There’s so much in there… oh no…”
“Honey, it might be a cop.” He was crying in laughter. “Seriously, there is a car coming this way. Wait, why are you peeing harder?”
“I’m nervous! I pee harder when I’m tense!” I could now see the headlights drawing ever closer. “Oh my God! Why won’t it stop!”
Needless to say, I was fortunate the car did not stop. soon as it passed I was done. We got back on the expressway and the next exit (Barely 10 minutes down it felt like) was full of 24-hour restaurants and gas stations.
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