VTMAS No.63: Polly & the Rat

I’m starting to learn that when I suggest something out of humor, I must be cautious to whom I give these snarky bits of humor. As we know it, in “VTMAS No.31: Who Did It?” that my intended joke can go further than I could ever expect. Imagine my surprise, when this very thing unfolded in the presence of my Mother-in-law, Polly. She has a wonderful garden out back, a deck right out her french doors next to a huge camphor tree whose base is wrapped with a purple passion flower

VTMAS No.55: Boob Juggler

I am a “People Watcher” and that is what brought on this whole thing. Whether I am at a mall, park, school, work, or even the bar, I can’t stop myself from observing people and then categorizing them by their behaviors. Not based on looks, but the things I watch them do and how they interact with their fellow human beings intrigues me greatly. I know, I know… this is why I attract weirdos… My husband and I had joined some friends out at a local club/bar named Cowboy’s. It’s a

VTMAS No.54: Put It Here Tattoo

This is a section of my life I don’t think I have introduced just yet in my “Val Tell Me A Story” Series. For a good year or so I apprenticed at a Tattoo Shop. It was a good night-time gig and on occasion I got paid for roughing out custom artwork or tattoo designs. Plus, I had been offered the apprenticeship and didn’t have to pay to be there like I’ve heard so many others having to do. On this particular night I was shadowing the artist Keith who was giving me the rundown o

VTMAS No.53: The Not-so Silent Cujo

I can’t remember what day it was, but we had been slow at the Veterinary office. As my routine dictated, I came in, clocked in, and set to work in the kennels. I had only three dogs to walk, but I was super excited to see we were temporarily housing a young red macaw by the name of Cujo. Naturally, as would any of you, I could not resist the urge to try to make him talk or repeat. After about ten minutes of no luck, I went back to my job. Ivette peeked around the corner, “Are

VTMAS No.52: Office Girls in a Mud Truck

If you haven’t noticed, I am quite the Jill-of-Trades and have a mixed bag for a resume. One of the jobs a held was in a office, managing accounts, where I was required to doll up. Button-up blouses, medium to long skirts, and modest makeup was a must. You can imagine that I looked forward to my lunch breaks and after a while my co-worker Alisha and I developed a routine. Wednesday was Chili-dog day at 7-11, and Monday I think was Kappy’s the local cheesesteak joint, and ever

VTMAS No.51: Savannah Gas Station

Sometimes I forget to warn the new relatives of my immaculate ability to have weird things happen to me. This was a tiny road trip that myself, Husband, and his cousin Jennifer took to secure some Pralines from the Riverside Shoppe in Savannah. That place has some mad delicious candied pecans too! As we headed out, Justin informed us he really had to pee, and thus we pulled into a gas station. Jennifer and I looked to one another as he exited the car and immediately locked th

VTMAS No.50: Rocko the Rottweiler

As you’ve read before, my first job was a kennel worker at a veterinary office. I would leave school, head to work, clock in and immediately start doing my thing. Hardworking, I had a routine, a process to make sure I never missed anything. Coming in the door there was a white board we all used to list kennel medications, warn one another of a volatile animal or list who the technicians still needed urine and/or stool samples from. On this particular day the white board indic

VTMAS No.49: Between A Cow’s Butt & the Gate

It’s been some time since I shared a cow or FFA story, so here’s a short, sweet and semi-horrifying moment. I remember that day well. It was sunny and pretty out, I had on a tank top and overalls sporting a baseball cap which I was wearing backwards. My sister was outside the gate waiting for me to finish so I could drop her off at the mall. I was taking care of a small Black Angus heifer named Mary Ann at the time and so I was finishing the last chore. She was over with my s

VTMAS No.48: Vaccinate the Tiger, Val

I have to admit, my first job was amazing. For three years, I got up close and personal with a wide range of animals that most only dream to at least see in person or at the zoo. Dr. Stephens was a talented veterinarian for both local foundations and residents. When I first came to work there, I started off at the “Kennel Worker” and it didn’t take long that my work experience with livestock made me a valuable asset throughout the office. By the time I left, I had aided in su

VTMAS No.46: Martin & The Cow

If you’ve been following this series, you’ve already been introduced to one of my all time best friends, Martin. The best part was I actually took a creative writing class with him and we became great buddies, but my expertise of the Bovine sorts sometimes led to some interesting questions from my peers. This was the one time I recall having a conversation with Martin about cows while I was still in high school. I can’t remember if I was driving him home or sitting in class o

VTMAS No.45: Drive Around Midnight

If you knew me in high school, you knew I did  everything I could to NOT go home. This even meant driving around at random, as pathetic as it may sound. Regardless, it made for some fun adventures in the long run. On this particular night I had my hot Asian friend John along for the ride. I believe it may have been October at the time, we were either in 11th or 12th grade, but he wanted me to take him to some scary places. At first I think he wanted to visit a cemetery but I

VTMAS No.44: The Brown Starfish

We had gone fishing and we both were geeking out that in the bait bucket there was a little brown starfish. At the time we had a saltwater tank at home and were ecstatic to get a freebie to add into the aquarium. We got home and the husband nearly ran to the computer. Uh oh… I thought as I giggled. He’s going to attempt to google “brown starfish” with no filter on the search… It was barely a few minutes when he came out pale and sickly. “What’s wrong, honey?” I tried to hide

VTMAS No.43: Don’t You Dare Cleanup

Mudding. Either you know what I just said or wondering why this word should be significant. Growing up it was the family outing to go to the Mud Hole and later in my life it was our dating, fiancee and married couple thing to do. What is Mudding? It is often a “sport” involving vehicle, mainly trucks, driven through mud holes or muddy swampy bits, in an attempt to not get stuck and get super messy. Strangely enough, it can be very fun and exhilarating and for the cost of a ta

VTMAS No.42: The Scooter Gang

We’ve all been on family vacations, but occasionally one comes along that leaves a lasting impression. Being in Florida, going to the Beach was at least a must once a year. I was still in high school and my mother’s boyfriend, coined “Papa Jon”, had his son Cody down as well. It was instantly decided we would be taking a “family vacation” to Daytona Beach. It was a gorgeous clear day, the sand hot under your feet, the waves rolling in weren’t too wild or choppy, and we were h

VTMAS No.41: Sissy & The Turtle

I think life’s most wonderful entertainers, besides kids, would have to be our pets. In fact, like children, we enjoy watching them make poor choices in the most simplest task. We keep telling ourselves it’s a good lesson for them, but we both know we allow it to happen for that one epic or hilarious moment. We had stayed with my Husband’s cousins with our brand new Basset Hound puppy, Sissy, in tow. She was horribly adorable and the ears were beyond ridiculously long. Good m

VTMAS No.40: Grandpa & The New TV

It’s heartbreaking to know that my Grandfather-in-law just passed away on July 21st. One of my fondest memories was during the time my husband I were temporarily living in the house. We were in the process of closing on a new home, but the date got pushed back well past our End-of-Lease date for the rental we were in. So, we huddled into the small back bedroom with our two large dogs at Grandma and Grandpa’s place. To make things more interesting, they were still in the finis

VTMAS No.39: Car Ride to Miami

My husband and I had been dating for a while at this point. In fact, we had moved in together and things were going good for us both. His parents asked if we wanted to go with them to Miami to see the NASCAR race in Homestead. So we are talking about November 2005 when this happened. We piled into the baby blue Mercury Villager and Justin was shoving me in the very back, third row section swimming in pillows. “I can’t even see out the windows.” I huffed. “I don’t understand w

VTMAS No.38: Gas On A Plane

We had just gotten married back in April 2007 and I was excited that I was going with my husband and his family to a reunion. I had just experienced my real first plane rides on our honeymoon to Cancun and here I was about to fly to Ohio. It was going to be my first trip that far north. “You know what I like best about plane rides?” We were waiting for our turn through security as Justin started to grin wide, the mischievous sparkle in his eye as he spoke, “When you pass gas

VTMAS No.37: Not the Average Door Salesman

As proof that my odd and bizarre luck still comes into my life, today’s story happened this past weekend. I was zoning out on the computer as my husband headed out the door to go do one of his manly runs to home depot when he stopped halfway through the doorway. This caught my attention, so I watched as he visibly stared at the ground, and then shook his head looked again. Leaning back in the door he asked, “Honey, can you come out here a minute?” Furrowing my brow I replied,

VTMAS No.36: The Day The Grass Parted

My uncle Ymmit and I were asked to investigate what happened to the cats at my Great Grandmother’s home. She had been a safehouse for captured ferals who the humane society spayed or neutered and brought to her property to live. We had gotten a call asking where the cats had gone, and well, none of us had really stopped to consider what to do with them after she was submitted into the Nursing Home with dementia. It wasn’t like they weren’t being fed. The no-kill arrangement w